


Intertwined

by utopiaiselsewhere



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Bring Back Black, Grief/Mourning, M/M, MWPP, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 05:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9058408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utopiaiselsewhere/pseuds/utopiaiselsewhere
Summary: Remus is finding it difficult to deal with the loss of Sirius, and when Harry presents him with an old photo album it all comes rushing back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> huge thanks to @becauseISaidSo for betaing and being super great in the whole process!! hope y'all like this :)

Grimmauld Place felt far too big and far too small all at once. The tall drafty stairwell left Remus feeling small and alone, the shelves that were still stocked up with Black family heirlooms, with little trinkets that might’ve been useful to the Order at some point, only there to try and make the place feel less like the Black family home. They seemed to encroach in on Remus. Barring his every movement with a sharp stab to the shoulder. With the Order there, it felt like Remus couldn’t escape when Sirius was brought up. It felt as though they could hear his heaving sobs that turned into angry heaves when they talked about him like an object, even through the silencing charms. They were all too eager to wrap Remus up in arms that didn’t fit properly, too eager to offer empty consolations so that they didn’t look insensitive. But perhaps being alone was worse - having every square inch of the house remind him of Sirius, and not having anyone to distract him. When it was empty, the house allowed him to mope quietly, to trail his fingertips along the heavy leather-bound books in the knowledge that Sirius might’ve done the same.  
Then the Christmas holidays came, and Remus decided that the worst was having Harry around. It was not that he disliked the boy, but it was so difficult to be around someone who had full right to be mourning Sirius more than Remus. Harry hadn’t known about them, it would seem so utterly graceless for Remus to carry on in his state of misery. He was also determined to carry on the cleaning of Grimmauld Place, unearthing small objects all the time, sending Remus into a spin.  
On the 23rd, Harry slipped into the kitchen, sitting himself down opposite Remus who had been writing out Christmas cards to send off; the task was monotonous but it required just enough thought to keep his mind off of Sirius. Harry set down a heavy book with worn leather corners, a cracked spine, and a label written in James’s handwriting. It read:  
A far too soppy and comprehensive account of our dear Padfoot and Moony’s romance in pictures (I can’t believe I made this for you gits). 

Remus’s heart dropped to the floor, his stomach flipped. He’d forgotten about that book. God, it was a stupid gesture that he may have mentioned would’ve been nice to Lily, but only once. And on Sirius’s birthday, James had presented it with a begrudging smile. It had stood on their rickety mantlepiece, rarely taken down, only to add more photos. That had been their relationship for the longest time, there was no point looking back, they only added to each other. And now all that Remus could do was look back.  
“Do you want to tell me before I ask you?” whispered Harry tentatively, pushing the album towards Remus a little more.  
“That’s your dad’s handwriting,” Remus managed, after a pause.  
Harry almost choked.  
“That? That’s what you want to tell me? Not anything to do with the fact that you and Sirius were - involved - with each other?” he asked incredulously, trying hard to keep the volume of his voice in check.  
“Well yes, we were. What is there to know?” he replied defeatedly, looking up at Harry’s face.  
“For how long? Until the end? Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry asked, finally meeting Remus’s sad gaze with his own look of conflicted sadness.  
“Since the last quidditch match of sixth year. Right up until, until Azkaban, then from a couple weeks after he moved into Grimmauld place. And yes, until the- the end,” he could hardly bring himself to say that last word aloud. “And yeah, we didn’t tell you. I know we didn’t, but we couldn’t tell you, you see, in the first war, everyone knew, so the Death Eaters targeted us and knew that if they captured one of us, the other would follow or be prevented from fighting by the Order,” he finished, almost smiling at the memory of a time that had Sirius in it.  
“Surely there were loads of people who were dating within the Order? Why would you guys be special? I mean I’m not saying that you guys weren’t special but there were too many couples for them to each be targeted,” he pointed out.  
Remus sighed softly, “But you knew Sirius, he doesn’t - didn’t sit back, regardless of how reasonable it would be to do so,” Harry nodded slightly.  
“Yeah I guess so,” he replied, slightly at loss, realising that he was only mourning half the man that Sirius was. “Look, thanks for having me today, I promised Mrs Weasley that I’d be back by six, but I’m sure she’d understand if I’m late, or you could come with me?” he asked after a heavy pause.  
Remus heaved himself up, debating in in his mind whether to go. It would be best, said the voice of reason inside him, the voice that knew he might be worth taking care of (a voice that definitely did not make him think of Sirius at all). But God, it would be so difficult. Nobody could seem to find a subject to talk about that wasn’t Sirius around him. It was killing him to listen to people tell him about a man who he’d known better than himself, to listen to people describe half of Sirius. He could feel his anger begin to rise inside him whenever he was in one of those situations, flames of it licking up his throat, threatening to tumble out all at once. No, he couldn’t let himself ruin the Weasley’s Christmas like that, they deserved a nice time.  
“No thank you Harry, I wouldn’t want to intrude, I’m doing just fine right here.” he said finally, lying through his teeth, “I’ll see you at the Burrow on the 25th though, won’t I?” he asked, knowing that it was unlikely that he was going to make it there on his own accord.  
Nodding again, Harry made his way from the kitchen to the small parlour that hosted the only fireplace that was connected to the floo network.  
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me to the Burrow, I’m sure Mrs Weasley wouldn’t mind. I- I know I wouldn’t want to stay in here all the time, I’d want a break,” he suggested.  
He wanted to snap. To yell at Harry that there was no way it was that simple. He couldn’t just leave this place, leave where Sirius and he had reunited, he couldn’t bring himself to part from the old house. He wanted to yell that Harry’s and his perception of Sirius was so different, that Harry was mourning someone he’d known for a couple years, Remus felt like he was mourning two people. Sirius before Azkaban - all sharp humour and careless laughter, and Sirius after - when the sharpness turned to an acidic wit that hurt Remus’s heart. Harry had only known one of them. But he couldn’t shout. It wasn’t fair. Sirius had been Harry’s only true family, Remus knew that, but he still longed to lash out.  
Instead, he mustered a smile.  
“It’s ok, I’ll be fine,” he said, surprising himself with how genuine his tone sounded.  
“I’m sorry,” Harry tried, “If I’d known about you two, maybe it would’ve been easier for us both,”  
“Don’t worry Harry, you have all the right in the world to mourn,” he replied, trying not to crack.  
Harry didn’t hug Remus before disappearing into the floo, maybe Remus didn’t mind. He sighed loudly once he was alone and decided that he might as well look through the album now, at a time where he could still call for help if it got too bad, rather than at three in the morning. Trudging into the kitchen, he sat himself back in his seat. The leather of the album’s cover was worn soft and the edges were crinkled with age, it felt too fragile to the touch. As he peeled back the front cover and the first page (which he knew had a short letter written by James and Lily in it, but thought that he probably shouldn’t add to the pain), the thick pages gave a little crack as he turned them. And suddenly it was there. The first picture, bold as brass. Remus felt a little sick.

_Photo No.1 - The Day Moony grew a Spine._  
_The gryffindor common room was buzzing with students, all of them anticipating the entrance of the quidditch team. The heroes of the moment, having finally won back the quidditch cup after a three-year Ravenclaw reign. No one was quite as anxious and excited as Remus Lupin, though Lily came in close second._  
_“You’ll do it now won’t you Remus?” she asked for the fifth time since having entered the common room, and the third time since having parked themselves on the stairs leading up to the dormitories, slightly removed from the rest of the common room._  
_Remus sighed long and slow, not the usual short exasperated huffs, but a genuine attempt at calming his nerves._  
_“If you don’t I will personally walk over to Sirius and tell him myself, and I shall spare no detail, my friend,” she assured him frantically._  
_“Yes Lily, I am going to kiss Sirius Black within five minutes of him coming in that door, now stop asking, you’re not making it much better,” he said with a manically nervous giggle._  
_“Sorry,” she whispered sheepishly, taking Remus’s hand briefly and squeezing it hard in reassurance, “it’ll be fine, you know - or I know, he likes you back,”_  
_Remus nodded, trying to avoid opening his mouth any more than necessary. And then the door burst open and the adrenaline levels in Remus’s body soared. In traipsed James, brandishing a gryffindor banner high above his head, still in his quidditch shirt but changed into ordinary jeans. He was followed by the keeper - a tall fifth year, flanked by the three chasers, and finally. Sirius. In that moment Remus reckoned his heart had momentarily forgotten to beat before going into overdrive. He stood up in a haze and stumbled down the stairs with a small shove from Lily. He could hear his heartbeat echoing in his ears as he approached Sirius, looking insufferably good and so damn happy. Cautiously, he touched his elbow, and Sirius spun towards him._  
_“Well done,” Remus whispered shakily._  
_“Thanks I think-” Sirius begun._  
    _“Fuck it all,” Remus said to himself quietly and leaned in too quickly and all of a sudden he was kissing, and he was kissing Sirius._  
_And in that moment it all melted away, Remus couldn’t hear the roar of the crowd (and the clink of coins as bets were won and lost), he missed the shutter of Lily’s camera. All that mattered was Sirius, and he was kissing back, and his hands had slotted into place so perfectly, and Remus could’ve feel the soft slip of Sirius’s quidditch shirt under his fingers, and god it was all too much. It was all too wonderful and he felt as though his head might explode quite soon because Sirius’s lips were soft and wonderful, their kiss deep and slow. Then they broke away and Remus felt a little light-headed._  
_“Gosh, I suppose we’d better start winning more quidditch matches,” laughed Sirius happily, pulling Remus in again._

That Sirius was long gone, a foolish reminder of simpler times, a dumb snapshot of youth. That Sirius had not been in Remus’s life for so long, but still, the memory of a time where they felt invincible hurt a little. He turned the page.

_Photo No. 2-6 - The Summer that convinced James that not moving in with Sirius was a good idea_  
_That summer after seventh was a summer of total bliss. Of apparating up and down the country to remote beaches for the heck of it, and of returning to the Potter’s every evening to a dusk of warm laughter and summer wine. They had set themselves up in James and Sirius’s rooms as they were adjacent and a simple spell meant that the partition wall could be put in place and taken away. Peter and James were in one room, and Remus and Sirius in the other - and when Lily came for two weeks poor Peter had been shunted out into the guest bedroom for the sake of his sanity. That summer James came to the conclusion that Sirius was insufferable when he was in love. He was already an affectionate person, so the level of physical contact was incredible - when Remus was making breakfast he’d be propped up on the new kitchen counter, grabbing Remus’s hand whenever he could and hugging him from behind when he was standing still. When Remus sat on the sofa, Sirius would be there in seconds._  
_It probably was endearing to anyone who was looking in on their relationship for a short while, but having been around them all year at Hogwarts and now this - James was struggling a little, which Sirius had definitely taken advantage of. He’d only been encouraged by Lily when she arrived, three weeks into the holiday - she’d been far too enthusiastic (having considered herself the mastermind behind this relationship), and had taken every opportunity to take pictures of them.The pictures had been odd at first, Remus had always been averse to having his picture taken, and Sirius would never tell him if he’d spotted Lily with her camera. But after a while, Remus gave up and let Lily photograph a life she could hardly believe she was living._  
_It all came to a grinding halt on the 21st of August. Remus was walking down the corridor from the bathroom, it was a clear sunny morning, the peace punctuated by the soft padding of his socks on the yards upon yards of polished parquet flooring. Then Sirius stepped out of his (or their) bedroom, almost in a daze, and began walking towards the large window, when the light hit his face, Remus could see that there were tears tracking down his face. He broke into a run, enveloping Sirius in a hug, in soft swaying and calming words. Lily captured the moment of the two boys meeting in the light of the window, Sirius holding onto Remus and finally reaching out to someone. After a couple minutes, he found out what had caused his grief. A small scrap of parchment, the type of thing you’d use to pass notes in class, not something you used to write a letter on. The small upright letters read:_

Sirius,  
Mother and Father want to know where you are so they can send you your last belongings. We do not want muggle posters and it would be a disgrace to burn such a thing in the Black household.  
RAB.

_Remus couldn’t remember how long they’d stood there for, but he knew that Sirius had been the one to pull away a little first. He looked up, his eyes scarily dark with anger, and finally spoke._  
_“How do I even reply?” he whispered, and he was not angry but devastatingly hopeless._  
_“Do you want to?” Remus asked gently, sifting Sirius’s hair through his fingers to calm him down._  
_“Do I have to? I don’t think I can just now,” he said, the words came out of his mouth clumsily and awkwardly, as though he was trying to wrap his head around the idea that he didn’t have to comply with his parent’s wishes without being disobedient._  
_“No, you don’t have to. You can just be angry or sad or happy if that’s what you want right now,” Remus reassured._  
_“Thank you,”  
_It would not be the last of such notes, and it would not be the last of such outbursts._ _

Remus was now the one crying. That had been their worries then, nothing to do with death. There didn’t seem to be any chance of losing each other. He turned another page.

_Photo No. 7-10 - Somehow you Idiots managed to act like Adults._  
_The first picture was of the two of them, standing proudly outside of their first flat. It had been a tiny little pad, filled to the brim with small knick-knacks they’d collected over the years. It felt as though the small mementos encased them in a neat bubble in which they were untouchable. They had posed for the picture, planning to open the door for the camera, instead Sirius had reached up and kissed Remus quickly, creating a completely different picture. It wasn’t what they’d envisioned but it was them - and that was enough._  
_For a while it had felt like an extension of Hogwarts; James, Lily, and Peter were constantly around, they got by comfortably (Remus was still convinced that the Order was paying him way too much for trawling a library), and the whole flat was a warm hubbub that came with over-ambitious teenagers trying to be adults. To an extent, they were adults, they ran a schedule of cooking and cleaning that worked like clockwork (even if the clockwork was a little rusty and occasionally broke), they managed to pay all their bills on time, and everything felt like it was settling. The domesticity fell into place without much fuss, it wasn’t boring, it was just them and that was so much more than enough._  
_They took endless pictures - only a couple pictures made it from the shoebox they had kept in to the album that James gave them two years later. Maybe because they had to go through a thorough process of making sure they were all reasonably child-friendly in case Harry picked it up. But in the end, three more made it to the album._  
_Once, Sirius had set up when he’d figured out the self-timer on the camera, it was of him and Remus dancing slowly to a silly Ricky Valance record they’d bought for a pound. There had been a mild rush of Sirius trying to get Remus up to dance in time for the camera to capture the right little moment. The second was one of Lily’s; of Remus softly curling up next to Sirius after a rough moon, but still smiling softly when Sirius began carding his hands slowly through his hair out of habit. The third was one of the only ones that Remus had taken. It was the very moment that he revealed that he’d charmed the ceiling of their bedroom to show the night sky (without the moon). Sirius’s entire face had lit up, entranced by the spidery silver strands connected the patterns across the room, it was Remus trying to make it so that Sirius could associate the stars with something other than his family. What the camera didn’t show was that, with another spell, a small arrow appeared, pointing to the Dog Star and Remus’s handwriting it had said “and this is where my heart is.”_

It had been a stupid and soppy romantic gesture of bright young things hiding within a complicated bit magic. But oh, how it hurt to think of a time when Remus could do that without the thought pulling at his heart and weighing him down. He turned the page again, wondering idly if the next set was going to hurt just as much

_Photo No. 11 - It all got a little bit Darker._  
_It did feel as though it had gotten darker. Maybe it was the fact that the windows in their little cottage where smaller and thicker than the wonderful bay windows in their London flat. Maybe it was their surroundings, contrary to their hopes, their new life by the sea wasn’t filled with bright mornings of brisk sea breezes and high sunshine. Instead, the weather was constantly overcast, the sky was an endless blank stretch of soft grey, and the wind blew relentlessly, as if it were trying to get rid of them. Or some days it didn’t blow at all and the cottage sat in a cloud of humidity brought in by the waves. It’s almost better to have the wind blowing, especially when one of them has been deployed on an Order mission. That way at least there’s something to combat the awful emptiness._  
_It had felt empty that night. Lily had come to sit with Remus while they were waiting for James and Sirius to come back from a mission that was meant to have ended the day before. Somehow the silence was terse and amicable all at once. Although the weight of absence sat heavy on their shoulders, the solidarity between them was still burning bright. Finally, Remus broke the silence._  
_“The Order doesn’t pay us enough,”_  
_Lily sighed heavily in response, “I don’t think you can reimburse this,” she said with resignation as she got up from the sofa and made her way to the kitchen._  
_She returned with two mugs of tea, handed one to Remus who was curled up in the armchair, and sat herself down on the sofa. They sat and stared into their cups of tea that were too hot to drink, letting the steam dance across their faces._  
_“Remus?” Lily asked, he looked up to meet her gaze, “Where’d all the light go?” she asked, the desperation and strain in her voice clear._  
_“Well, somewhere to the west I suppose, now that the sun has set,” he tried, attempting to joke a little._  
_She smiled a little, so maybe his joke hadn’t fallen flat._  
_The door opened, but not before a mumbled password resonated through the otherwise silent cottage. Remus leapt to his feet, anxious to meet Sirius once more, he winced a little when his movement caused the gash on his leg (courtesy of one of Greyback’s henchmen) to split open a little more. Regardless, he still launched himself at the small dark figure of Sirius, engulfed in his dark overcoat. His hair was slightly wet and tangled as Remus ran his fingers through it, his nose cold from the outside as he pressed it into the other man’s neck. For a while they just stood there and rocked gently, both of them clinging to each other in an attempt to keep it all together. Sirius nudged at the other’s jaw and pressed a brief kiss to his mouth before untangling himself just enough to face Lily, who had turned white as a sheet._  
_“James went straight to Godric’s Hollow, he’s fine, he just didn’t know you were here,” he explained._  
_“Oh, of course,” she breathed, the colour returning to her face, “I’ll go then, thanks for having me over Remus,” she managed before disapparating.  
Remus didn’t realise that she’d taken a photo until the were given the album. _

Remus knew that the only remaining pictures were ones of after Azkaban, taken mainly by Molly. He decided it was best not to turn over, it was somewhat easier to look back on days that were gilded in his mind with the feeling of not having to worry about each other’s deaths, well maybe that didn’t apply to the picture currently in front of him. That had been the first time that Remus had almost been sick with worry, of course he’d worried before - on his missions and when waiting for Sirius to return - but never like that. With a heavy sigh he managed to shut the book and walked further into the kitchen to make tea, half in a dream, still with tears tracking down his face.  
The he hit himself on the edge of the counter, swearing loudly, he came to his senses and proceeded to wipe away the tears fiercely. The mugs shook a little when he slammed his hand on their shelf, blindly searching for a larger one. When he almost dropped the tea caddy after taking it out of the cupboard too vigorously he realised how ridiculous he was being. He was channeling his frustration into making tea, aggressively. Sighing again in pure exasperation, he tried to calm himself down, and put the kettle on, opting for the muggle way, rather than casting a strong warming charm.  
“Is that enough water for two cups?” came a voice from behind him.  
Remus’s mind went into overdrive. He knew that voice, it was Sirius. Sirius was dead. It couldn’t be him. Oh God.  
Tentatively, he turned towards the voice. He saw Sirius standing in the doorway, he almost fainted. Instinctively, he went out to hug him, to hold him. And when he did, Sirius was real. Remus could feel his torn jacket under his fingers, could feel the back of his neck when he moved his hand up, could feel his hair.  
“How? When? What?” Remus began, his voice cracking in a desperate attempt to make sense of it all when his mind was all a whirl, and his senses weren’t completely sure if what was happening was real.  
“I - I’m not completely sure,” Sirius began, loosening their embrace a little, “But I woke up, probably two weeks ago in Montana of all places. I fell through the veil didn’t I?” Remus nodded dumbly. “From what I found out from a nice gentleman in Boston, it sometimes reverses in the funny way that magic does. It’s only really happened once before, some witch during the renaissance and according to the books she always said that she just kept thinking about everything she had left to do and how she really had to get out of this situation and finish what she was doing. Basically, the portal, or whatever kind of thing the veil is, just couldn’t keep her so she ended up in Albania six weeks later,”  
“Awful lot of things seem to end up in Albania don’t they?” Remus whispered, still completely at loss with the whole situation, “Anyway, how did you get here” he asked, really just wanting to hear Sirius’s voice again to convince himself that this was actually happening.  
“I ran, as Padfoot for probably three days before reaching a town that I’d managed to detect magic in, tracked down a very nice wizarding couple who provided me with a portkey to just outside of Boston and directions to the wizarding area of the city. They took me in for a day, were looking at me all funny and I thought they were going to recognise me and contact the Ministry, and that I’d be sent back to Az- to that place,” he tightened his grip on Remus, just a little, “But turns out I’ve been cleared!”  
“Yeah,” whispered Remus, still slightly taken aback by the events of the last two minutes.  
“From Boston I found a chap, the one who told me the story, he sold me a long-distance portkey, which, rather inconveniently left out of Salem rather than Boston. So I took the floo to his house which was somewhere near where the portkey left. Now, when they said it was transatlantic, they meant that awfully literally. Teetering off of the edge of Land’s End it left me! Then, I reckoned I could apparate in short bursts. First to Portmellon, the end of Chapel Point Lane, down by that little cottage we’d lived in. Then to some little alley in Exeter that I remembered from when you went there looking for a manuscript. I stayed there for a short while because I was properly exhausted, and then. Then here,” he finished.  
“Oh Pads,” Remus mumbled wistfully as he moved his hands to frame Sirius’s face, “I missed you, so much. Nothing felt right,”  
“It’s ok Moonbeam,” Remus started a little at that nickname, he hadn’t heard it since way before Azkaban, “I’m here now,” with that he kissed Remus fiercely.  
It was everything that had been missing for the last five months. They could feel each other’s desperation and joy and all the grief that had been left unspoken. At some point they broke away to breathe, and through watery eyes, Remus saw that the other man’s eyes were also shining a little more than usual. Remus laughed a little, hysterically if anything.  
“Harry found out about us you know,”  
“Wow. I kiss you after five months of being dead and this is what you’re thinking about? I suppose I better start practising more,” Sirius teased.  
“But seriously, he hasn’t coped well, we should probably tell him,” Remus pointed out.  
“Tomorrow. Right now it’s just you and me,”


End file.
